I Thought That You Were Actually Distant
by hayleyrebecca
Summary: My first fan fic. Don't really know what to write. Janny. That's about all I can come up with, sorry!
1. That Sound

**This is my first fan fic. :/ I promised a couple of people something by the end of the weekend, so here you go! I'm sorry about this, I think it is pretty rubbish but I would like to know what you think! Any tips or whatever would be appreciated! **

**But anyway, I hope you like it (even though I am expecting you too think its awful...) Sorry if there are any errors or whatever, I have checked it several times but I always miss something! **

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After 23 hours of what she saw as unnecessary pain, misery and effort, she lay in the bed staring up at the ceiling, trying with all her remaining might to block out all that she could hear. That sound.

The white walls, floor, ceiling, even the white blanket which covered her torn, weak, tortured body seemed to be closing in on her, like they had suddenly become black. Everything had become black now. She saw her life change from grey to black in a moment. The more desperate she became, the harder she tried, the more her surroundings closed in on her, suffocating her as she tried to hide from what was the unarguable. That sound.

The un-doubtable thing which she had dreaded, no despised, for the past 9 months of agony, was all around her and no matter how hard she tried she could not stop it. Even if she were able to move, no amount of curling up, drawing her knees to her chest, resting her face protectively on top, whilst placing her arms around her shins to hug her own body could hide her away from it. No number of mental walls, or even physical barriers, could stop this existing. She was scared. Scared of this. Scared of that sound.

She became desperate; she could not turn to her left. For there she lay. She could turn to her right. For there he lay. Those sounds. She could not look up, look down, look straight ahead for those sounds would always be near her. Eventually she snapped.

"Will someone shut those things up?!" She yelled. There was no response.

"I mean it, someone shut those moaning, whingeing _things _up now!" She yelled again, frightening even her this time with the bite and harsh tones in which she spoke. But these sounds did not stop. Nobody stopped them. They simply cried for help, cried with more terror, even though, just before, they had started to be all cried out.

As this is how it had been for the past hour. They had been returned to her. Not that she wanted them back and the nurses had left her with what she had called her 'cling-ons', telling her "You have been up out of bed so you are capable of moving to look after them. They will need feeding in an hour. Call us if you need anything."

Except when she called nobody came. When they cried, nobody rocked them to peacefulness. And they had simply cried to each other for that time. And single tears had rolled her down her cheeks, as she begged for someone to come and help where she knew she could not.

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People had told her for the past 9 months all would be fine, she would be a great mother, she would love her children the moment she saw them and would love them unconditionally, forever. She would love them with all her heart, all her effort, all her love and she would never ever stop loving. She would be a wonderful mother, with all the right characteristics, the fairness, the sternness and the ability to care when it was desperately needed. She would not pity her children, but she would protect them for all she was worth and care for them when they were truly hurt or needed the love and comfort. Her children would be clever, strong, caring and fair and it would be down to the expert way in which she, their mother, had raised them.

But this was not right. She could not love them. And letting them cry to themselves, the boy and the girl, was the best thing she was doing. All until their father arrived. He had gone to Scotland, she had refused, and now he was coming to meet his new little cherubs. His pride and joy. And he would love them like she never could. And that made her want to distance herself from them even more, she could not admit he was better than her at this, even though she ultimately knew that he better than her in every way, so she had promised herself the second she had heard them cry for her, she wouldn't even try to help. So therefore she could not fail. But that sound still lingered.

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The door opened. Jac was brought out of her thoughts. At last, she thought, she was almost thankful, this meant help. She was pleased. For 5 seconds until the enterer spoke.

"Jac? What is going on in here? What is all this crying?" He initially spoke with a trivial humour, but that changed the second he saw that the mother of his children remained still, and obviously was going to make no effort to move. He spoke again. "Why are you just lying there? Lying still doing nothing? Jac, our children, _your_ children, they are crying for you!" He was pleading with her, he was angry with her, he was worried about her.

They were not together, that was not the case, but he still cared for her so much. He loved her so much, with that same love that best friends share, that is nor a romantic love or a pressured love, but simply a caring, respectful, ever-lasting love. And that is what he felt for her. He thought about trying again, but then he saw her.

His daughter, their daughter and his heart melted. And there, lying over in the other side of the bed was his son, their son, his daughter's older brother. For a moment he zoned out of the room, away from the crying as pride filled him. But then he remembered, they were still crying. They still needed him.

He picked up his son and walked to the bed. "Jac, take him. Take him from me. I need to hush our daughter too. But you need to hush our son. Or would you hush our daughter, please Jac, I need your help." He didn't know what to say, and it all came as questions and answers for Jac responded simply with "No."

He wanted to comfort them both, but he knew he couldn't. He needed their mother, but he hadn't worked out yet why she wouldn't hold her children, comfort her children, after all she was just lying there, in amongst her children's cries.

He looked at her with pleading eyes and a begging smile, she simply shut her eyes from him, and this scared him, so deeply.

"I said No Jonny. Please." She was literally begging him. She had never been like this with him before. And it scared him. A lot.

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Before he had a chance to reply the midwife came into the room, to speak Jonny, to them. He walked to the door and she smiled at him pitifully. This annoyed him slightly.

"Yes? What did you want?" he questioned abruptly. "Why are you looking at me like that?" he insisted.

"Sorry. A couple of questions, if you don't mind. Firstly, I need names, have you decided or would like me to come back. And secondly, well… erm… its… well… its Ms Naylor. She hasn't acknowledged her children yet… She has just remained in the bed, that same bed, motionless whenever her little ones, sorry, your little ones, have been in the room."

The midwife spoke quietly as if for Jac not to hear, but she was interrupted.

"I am still here you know. I have not left. Yet. Not that I haven't wanted to mind due. But _you_ wouldn't discharge me. So if you don't mind I would rather you speak to my face about me, not to him. And then you can let me go home. Alone." Jac seemed to be distant, yet she still knew what was going on.

This angered Jonny. "You know Jac; I thought there was something wrong with you. Like, I don't know, you were upset or dehydrated, or in pain, you seemed so distant. But I was wrong. You know full well what is going on. You could hear our children crying and you did nothing. Why Jac. Why?" He was also going to point out that he had a name and would appreciate it if she called him by it, rather than _him_, but then he remembered to expect nothing less of her.

Looking at the midwife he was confused, angered and still held his son in his arms while his daughter continued to cry. And it was the sound of his young daughter's tears that pained his heart. For a moment he couldn't understand how Jac could lie in the same place, listening to the heart-wrenching sounds that still filled the room. Then he remembered.

He turned to her again with his piercing eyes, filled with anger and sadness. He shouted his voice was like an arrow, hitting her heart, piercing her skin, flesh and the muscle which she needed to live.

"I can't believe you Jac. You really are so heartless, to let your children cry. Cry uncontrollably while you simply lay still. I couldn't imagine anyone, even you, to be so cold and harsh. And to think, I was in love with you. If I am honest, I was still in love with you when I walked into this room, but now… Now Jac, today you have really shown me _what _you are. And I am glad."

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**I hope that was ok! I don't know whether to update this and take it further, I have a couple of ideas... I will see what everyone thinks?!**

**But anyway, thanks for reading.**

**Hayley x**


	2. You Will Accept What I Want

**Hi, its me again! With another instalment of this rubbish! But people seemed to have liked the first bit so I hope this is ok too...**

**Its slightly shorter than I wanted, but it seems better to break it off here rather than in another 500 words!**

**Anyway, enough of my rambling, you have enough of this to read!**

**Once again, apologise for any remaining errors! I have tried to remove them!**

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_He turned to her again with his piercing eyes, filled with anger and sadness. He shouted his voice was like an arrow, hitting her heart, piercing her skin, flesh and the muscle which she needed to live. "I can't believe you Jac. You really are so heartless, to let your children cry. Cry uncontrollably while you simply lay still. I couldn't imagine anyone, even you, to be so cold and harsh. And to think, I was in love with you. If I am honest, I was still in love with you when I walked into this room, but now… Now Jac, today you have really shown me what you are. And I am glad."_

The midwife took this as her cue to leave. The new mother and father quite clearly had some talking to do. "I'll be on the ward if you need anything." She spoke with a sweet voice, which made her seem genuinely caring and wanting to help.

"You said that before and you didn't come back when I called. You are a waste of space. You nurses and you midwives." Jac muttered under her breath. It was quite clear that this was not actually a dig at the midwife but instead Jonny in response to the way he had just spoken to her.

It tugged at his heart a little. Why did she have to be this way? He had dreamt it that everything would be perfect once their children were born. Mother, father, son, daughter, sister and brother, all together. And perhaps soon even husband and wife. In his perfect little world with roses, trees and blossom, toys littering the floor, rooms filled with photographs of 4 people, teddy bears and cards showering every side in sight, and even a bedroom with a double bed and Moses baskets at the side. It was becoming clear his realistic fantasy was far off. Too far off for even hope it seemed.

Jonny was convinced his children already felt neglected by their mother. How else could he explain the pain behind their cries?

"Jac, seriously. You need to help your children, they need you. _I_ need you." Jac did not respond in anyway, not even a roll of her eyes or small shake of her head. "Or can you not understand English. Jac!" He yelled.

She turned to look at Jonny for the first time since he had entered the room. This was when he noticed the small tears in the eyes, matching the ones he could see in his sons who he embraced so tightly, like he was never going to let go. Like he once hoped he might be able to with their mother. This woman who lay before him. Still so beautiful even though he tried to hate her for what she was doing, how she was acting, what had become of this mess. "Jonny, I…"

Before Jac had a chance to finish Jonny knew completely what he needed to do. Surely she would bond with her children if she had no choice, and even if she didn't, and she proved his new deep dark fears to be correct, he had lost nothing. After all, his children had no willing mother at the moment. They could only gain. And he was desperate. He didn't even considered the fact that they might end up hurt as a result of this, because deep in his heart he knew subconsciously that Jac would never hurt her own flesh and blood, she knew too much how that hurt. In 3 swift steps Jonny glided towards Jac, praying that his cunning plan would work.

"Jac." He spoke with a stern tone that demanded a response from the mother of his children. She looked up at him, with an expression of sheer shock and anger.

"Here." He spoke with an authoritative tone that she dare not argue with, before almost launching their son which he had held so tightly at her. He placed the child on her body, leaving her with little choice but to wrap her arms around her son, as she looked upon him for the first time.

To say Jac was shocked is an understatement, she was overwhelmed. However Jonny's master plan was far from over. Before she had had a chance to speak, Jonny appeared again, with their daughter, who was still crying hopelessly as she had been for as long as Jac could remember.

"And our daughter." He spoke to her like a parent telling a child to eat their dinner, making them eat one spoonful at a time. And once again, he placed the little girl in the other arm of their mother, before stepping backwards and smiling thrilled at the sight he saw.

"Jonny. Get these moaning, screaming things away from me. Now!" Except Jac could not move, she was stuck in limbo. Her children in her arms, their father stood with his arms folded like a stubborn child, refusing to oblige.

"No." He spoke once again with that firmness that meant Jac knew he meant business. It was clear he wasn't going to change his ways. "Anyway. Listen. Silence. So it would be impossible for me to remove any, and I quote, 'moaning, screaming things' from you, considering there are none around." He could tell his children, their children, already knew how to play games with their mother, and knew to play along with their father's game, which did please him more than he would admit.

"Shut up. And listen to what I say." Jac was infuriated by this sarcasm Jonny always seemed to ooze whenever they were in an argument, he always seemed to win. "Get these children away from me, this instance. I mean it Jonny or I'll…"

"Or you'll do what Jac." Jonny spoke softer this time, but still with cheeky grin on his face which he knew Jac found rather irritatingly attractive.

"I'll… I'll… Erm… Well… I…" Jac was lost for words. Jonny did well and truly know how to silence her.

"See Jac, you won't do anything. Because you can't. Because your children, our children, are snuggled contently and calmly with each other, in your arms, where they belong. Safe and happy. And even you couldn't deny a child the chance to be safe, I know you Jac. I knew the second you saw them you would be softened. I just had to get you to see them. And to think, you didn't want to. You had refused. You lay there while they cried hopelessly for you. But I have helped you overcome that. Now, what do you say to me?" Jonny spoke with such softness it sounded alien compared to the anger which had raged within him only moments before.

"You idiot." Jac did not smirk like Jonny has expected, she still seemed so distant from him, yet he had realised she had still been distant from _him _all along, despite how much he hated it.

"I shall take that as a compliment. Anyway, we need to decide on names and logistics and things like that." He did not seem to be worried about finding out what she did not want to see her children, not fully, for he had achieved his first goal now. They were laying in her arms.

Except, Jonny should have known, that with Jac, this next stage, every stage, would be a battle. He should expect a battle. Everything always was.

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**Thanks for reading! Hope it wasn't too awful!**

**Hayley x**


	3. We Need To Do This Together, Seperately

**"And here we go again" you think. More pointless waffle from Hayley. But anyway, here is the next chapter! I hope I haven't made it too odd... Read and review, let me know what you think, I would be grateful! **

**Again, apologies for any errors, I don't try my best but at 11pm my proof reading skills leave A LOT to be desired!**

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"_I shall take that as a compliment. Anyway, we need to decide on names and logistics and things like that." He did not seem to be worried about finding out what she did not want to see her children, not fully, for he had achieved his first goal now. They were laying in her arms. _

_Except, Jonny should have known, that with Jac, this next stage, every stage, would be a battle. He should expect a battle. Everything always was._

"So" Jonny spoke with tact. "We need to name these two bundles of joy." He moved himself closer and came and sat next to her on the bed, that same bed, before watching his children wriggle and squirm. They opened their eyes, almost in sync, for the first time, looking up at their mother and father, as they experienced the new lights and sounds they never had before. He knew his children could not see him yet but he was still excited all the same. He sounded like a child at Christmas "Jac! Jac! Look they have opened their eyes, look they can see our shapes. Oh Jac, isn't it wonderful?!"

Jac's face fell. "No Jonny. This is wrong. This is why I didn't want to hold them. They can't see me. I will only hurt them. Why Jonny? Why did you do this?" She sounded truly hurt.

"Jac? What do you mean? You can't seriously be telling me you didn't want to hold your children because you didn't want them to meet you? How could you think that?" He sounded ashamed at the fact Jac thought so lowly of herself. He was deeply upset that she thought that she would hurt her children so didn't want to see them. "Jac, is that what all this distance has been about?"

"Yes. I know. You're going to say it is stupid." Tears were filling her eyes, "But I can't do this Jonny, I can't hurt my children like I was hurt as a child. I can't trust myself. They were supposed to see you and you only, not me. You were supposed to be the first thing they heard. The first thing they saw, the first person who hugged them, sung to them, cradle them. Not me, because I muck everything up. You. Me. These innocent lives. Everything I touch I poison. I am vile." She was crying now and Jonny just wanted to hold her close forever and never let her go, but he knew now he couldn't do that. He hoped if he could distract her she would feel better. Talking to her about this would only upset her and that was something he couldn't bear to do; cause her anymore pain.

"Right, we need to name these angels." He spoke with an uplifting tone that made even Jac leave her moment and world of sadness.

"Yes. We do. And we need to sort out logistics. Like who they stay with, when they stay with me and you and whatever." She once again returned to her bubble of distance, wanting to plan this like a military operation, like she was always used to; planning with precision.

They hit the first problem. The surname. They had previously agreed that Naylor-Maconie and Maconie-Naylor was too much to burden a poor child with so that left them with Naylor and Maconie.

"I suppose you want Naylor?" Jonny spoke with sadness. He still wanted his surname. After all who wouldn't want the same surname as their children?

"And I suppose you want Maconie?" Jac too spoke with sadness, but she seemed more responsive than she had been.

"Well yeah, do you?" Jonny spoke with a little bit of hope.

"I don't know. It's just too hard. Because I want the same name as my children of course I do, I want them to carry on the Naylor. But I don't want to infect them with the curse that I have and that my name carries." Jac sighed heavily.

"This is going to be more difficult than I thought." Jonny seemed defeated. "I thought that this was going to be easy. That we would be together by now, so there was only one surname, and the second that I saw our babies, they would show to us what their names should be, that we could tell from the twinkle in their eyes. And the twinkles are there, but the names haven't come yet. Jac…"

Jonny could tell Jac was thinking. Suddenly she spoke. "What are the Maconie girls like?" This was the most random thing Jonny had heard all year.

"Erm, well my sisters are lovely and my nieces are cute, but Jac how…what…why…?"

Jac bit Jonny off, "Are they strong, determined or weak and small?"

"Erm well my sisters both have very opinionated attitudes, so strong, I suppose?!" Jonny was very confused by these sudden questions and involvement from Jac.

"And well the Naylor males are stronger. And this way I wouldn't be burdening another Naylor female to end up like me. And we could solve the surname problems. And I wouldn't have to do butterflies and pink and fairies and could do football and video games and it would all work well because we wouldn't have to sort out a rota, and yeah I think it might work…"

Jonny suddenly worked out what Jac was implying. "Jac? No? Please?! Don't tell me you are thinking what I am thinking you are? Please Jac! That's not fair! You can't do that! Please!"

"No Jonny. You have the girl. I have the boy. This will all work. A Maconie girl and a Naylor boy and two parents, _separate,_ with two children that they can try to love and no need for switching for the children. It would be more stable and we wouldn't throw them from pillar to post. I wouldn't be able to muck up your daughter's life, like I would, but I think I could just about manage a boy, my son, and I wouldn't be taking your children away or leaving you to struggle with both and you are great with little girls and you always wanted a daughter and, I think it might work…"

Jonny became desperate. He was prepared to do anything in this moment.

"Please Jac, please don't tell me you are thinking of splitting these twins up and taking one child each, never to bond with the other or allow either of them to know they have a twin! Jac you can't do that. I won't let you. I will give up ever seeing either of my children before that. I will give up working in this hospital, in this area, in this country, my whole job in the medical profession so I never see you before that. That is if you think that we can't do this, both being parents in separate houses and seeing our children at scheduled times. I will give up seeing you ever again before that. Jac that will never, ever happen…"

He looked at her with pleading eyes, a single tear slipping down his cheek as he looked deeply into her beautiful green eyes for eternity.

"I will tell you that I love you, ask you to marry me, buy a house and move in together, everything, before you can do that…"

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**Yeah, sorry that had to be done, that has been the only action of Jacs I have known since the beginning. It might be because the film Parent Trap came into my head, but oh well! I hope that was ok!**

**Thanks again!**

**Hayley x**


	4. It Suddenly Became Serious

**Ok. Its me again. With my awful writing. But yeah, we established that one ages ago.**

**THIS IS A FILL IN CHAPTER. I kind of wanted to change the emotion in this but I could just do it from the negative I came from, so I slowly had to twist it. Here is the result... Its shorter because of this. And it is rather long-winded and wishy washy so I do apologise :/**

**Once again, sorry for any errors, I have tried my best to get rid of them!**

**Hope this isn't too dull to read...**

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_He looked at her with pleading eyes, a single tear slipping down his cheek as he looked deeply into her beautiful green eyes for eternity._

_"I will tell you that I love you, ask you to marry me, buy a house and move in together, everything, before you can do that…"_

Shock. It was plastered across her face at what she had just heard.

"Oh right Jonny. So that's the game you want to play. Hurt me and scar me and make out like you care just so that you can have both your children. I have already told you, you can have them. Take them. Take them from me now. I won't fight you. I thought you would have realised that. Or are you really as stupid as you look? As stupid as seem? Are you really that dumb, to not realise what not wanting to hold the children, not listening to their cry means?"

Every word was chosen carefully by Jac. Daggers. Daggers to pierce his heart and soul in the hope he would leave her alone. Take his children and go. For she wanted an easy life. A solitary life. For she had always found it easier that way. But he changed all of this and it frightened her to the core.

She remembered him saying that to her once. He wanted an easy life. But she wanted an even easier one. No attachments or responsibilities. No commitments or ties. She simply wanted her simple life. And her successful job. She didn't want this. She couldn't do this. Or at least that's how she felt in that moment of time. Her emotions and thoughts never did run constant and straight. They changed their mind more often than a heart beat.

But she wasn't going to let him know how scared and weak she felt. How she had been feeling since the day she met him and he stole her heart. Stole her soul. Stole her everything. Everything that she had been, what she was then and would be in the days, weeks, months and years yet to come.

She continued, again talking with such portrayed authority, even though she was simply playing a confidence trick. "Don't patronise me with your half-hearted comments that you constantly use to make me feel nothing but guilt. Did no-one tell you not to say things that you don't mean? To think before you speak? That you can't take back what you say when you have said it?" Jac spoke with a seemingly sarcastic voice that did however have vile and sharp undertones laced throughout.

"No Jac. That's you." Jonny was serious, although there was a tone in his voice that he found he words rather humorous and ironic.

"You're the one who doesn't think before they speak. You're the one who seemingly doesn't care about hurting people with your vile words. You're the one who doesn't want to be seen to love. You're the one who likes to scar and hurt, to patronise and guilt-trip." Jonny was angry. No angry was an understatement.

Yet still he was playing the long-game. Speaking with definition and dominance but treading carefully as he went. He knew what he wanted. He thought he knew how to get it. He just had to play Jac's game. Twist her words, like she twisted his. Try to be dominant, like she had to be. Win her heart, like she wanted to him to.

And now he was sure that was what he wanted. To take her in his arms. Hold her there forever. Never let her go. Though only a matter of minutes before he had been adamant to himself that when she left her children to cry, he loved her no more. He could not love that, he thought. How dumb he had been. And he did not know what had really changed. From the hate he felt in that moment; to the love he felt now. He could not be sure, so he just had to assume that the hate was never there. So nothing had changed. It was hate induced by shock. But that did not matter anymore. He knew how he felt, how he wanted to feel, and he knew he could trust this; for he had felt it for long enough.

Jac opened her mouth to speak but all that came was a squeak. It was small and fragile. Quieter than a mouse. Like he was slowly wearing her down. So Jonny undercut her, determined to take this advantage he had just been granted.

"Jac. You will listen to me. I am not going to ask you to listen, I am just saying that you will. Because you will want to hear what I have to say. And I might lecture you and this might be long, but as you sit there with you two darling babies, _our_ two miracle children, you need to hear this. I mean every word that I say. I am not drunk, on drugs, on cloud nine or mentally insane." He thought for a moment before he face turned into a smile. "Well, maybe I am slightly insane if I am going to say all this, but I mean it. I mean deeply in my heart of hearts every word that I will speak. Even that!" He gave her a wink to which she replied with a small, innocent smile. The one he loved to see on her face. The one that looked perfect on her.

"Do you understand Jacqueline Naylor?" He felt formalities may help his case in that he was being serious. After all, full names were only ever used for serious, formal situations.

"Jonathon Maconie… You told me not to speak. You told me to listen. I am beginning to question if you understand your own words. And if you even know my name is Jac. You idiot…"

And with this sarcastic banter, this flirtatious remark, Jonny began…

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**Ok. There you go. If you are reading this, you survived that waffle. Well done. You deserve a medal and sweetie!**

**Review please. I honestly don't know if anyone wants me to continue this... It isn't great so I don't want to just write endless rubbish for nothing...**

**Thanks **

**Hayley x**


	5. The Life-Changing, Honest Lecture

**And I am back again with my ramble, yay! You can all waste more time reading this...**

**Its A LOT of speech but that's how I needed it to be. I have broken it into smaller sections, but where you see speech marks or a line assume the speaker has stopped... momentarily!**

**Once again, I apologise for errors, I have tried to removed them!**

**Please read and review, thanks! I think I am almost done with this fic, but my brain might decide different...**

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"_Jonny… You told me not to speak. You told me to listen. I am beginning to question if you understand your own words. You idiot…"_

_And with this sarcastic banter, this flirtatious remark, Jonny began…_

"Oh, Jac. Jacqueline. Jacqueline Naylor. Where do I start? Where can I start? Where should I start? I guess the beginning. Is that best? Yes, the beginning, a very good place to start… So that is where I will begin... The first time I saw you… I fell in love with you... No I lie... Oh goodness… That sounds awful... I don't lie... I did want to fall in love with you… But I couldn't have fallen 'in' love with you… I could have loved you… But to be 'in' love… love has to be given and returned… I guess it was more I felt I could love you… If you loved me in return… So it could be that we were in love..."

Jac felt she needed to interrupt here. She could see where this heading, and if he carried on with the nervous, jumpy, cheesy lecture, she would end up shutting him off for good. But now, still laying on that bed, the bed in which her life had changed, and where her life was still changing, with their two little babies softly asleep in her arms, (yes she was beginning to accept that they were hers, she had always accepted they were Jonny's, so now if she accepted they were hers, that made them theirs, did it?) with whom she had now bonded with and felt protecting and content to hold, Jac knew she really didn't want to shut out Jonny.

"Please Jonny." She smiled at him subtly, but comfortingly, secretly wanting to be able to reach out and grab his hand to reassure him. "Jonny. Don't be anxious or nervous, I am listening to what you say and I promise you that, but just relax, and please try to be less cheesy, I really don't want this to be awkward or cheesy and I definitely won't turn into that amorphous blob of doe-eyed handholding humanity you know I hate. Just take your time ok, I can tell your nervous, I am not going to bite your head off Jonny, I have no energy, 23 hours of labour and giving birth to 2 children really takes it out of you. Breathe. Just breathe. I seriously don't want the father of my children to pass out and get into a dilemma when I am literally left holding the baby! No sorry, babies."

"Right, ok. Jac, this might be cheesy, but it is the best I can do. You know me, I am one of the cheesiest, most irritating people you have met, you told me yourself that's why you love me. But if I am honest, it was your hair. You fiery, gorgeous, silky, smooth hair that caught my eye as you sat in that room filled with the people who thought they were the best in the NHS.

And I can see in your eyes right now that you are finding this too cheesy, but wait, before you start I told you to stop and listen, you have said your piece, which I think was very honest of you by the way, so now you are going to remain silent. I know it irritates you, but I can be as cheesy as I like with you, as you seem to be a stubborn as you like with me, even if I just want a romantic hug or to walk down the street with your hand in mine, so it works both ways.

I saw your hair across the room, and it was quite simply, intriguing. Personality comes with red-heads. I decided I would come over to you, because I could sense there was something different about you. Something different to all the other women I had met, and that made me interested. I saw your simply wonderful eyes, the beautiful eyes you have passed onto our little girl. They had a unique sparkle. A sparkle which drew me in. And when I snatched your phone away, it was only so you would look at me, so I could look deep into you and so you would notice me.

I don't think you noticed, but I looked at your hands, to see if you were already taken from me and I stood no chance. But I saw no wedding ring, engagement ring even, I admit I was shocked, how someone as beautiful as you hadn't been wed years ago, but I was pleased; that was when I knew I wanted to try, wanted to delve a bit deeper into your soul.

I guess that's also why I told you I was a neurosurgeon; if I told you I was a nurse, as a surgeon you wouldn't have looked twice at me, I know that, and to be honest, I don't blame you, but I was just dying to know more about you, so I knew I had to make myself seem like I was nearly as half as suitable for you to even talk to. I gathered you were not very sociable when you walked in on your own and sat at the back, on your own, in the sole company of your mobile. I knew I had my work cut out but I guess I was just too overwhelmed not to try.

So I knew I had to test you. I had to find out more. I guess that's just the irritating part of me; that once I set my heart on a goal I will never ever stop. I never, ever have stopped, have I, really? This is the thing with my heart and head. When my head is captivated by you, my heart loves you, but when my head hates you and needs to forget about you, my heart just loves you and desires your touch, kiss, even your little smile all the more, to try to outweigh the hatred in my heart. And I am not good a listening to my heart, sound familiar?

So when you slept with Sean, it broke me in two Jac. Because I wanted to hate you, I was told by everybody that I should hate you, but for some reason I couldn't. Those weeks when you were in Japan, destroyed me. I was alone Jac, for the first time I felt completely alone. I didn't have Mo because all she did, quite rightly in a normal world, was tell me to get over you and forget about you, because I could find someone better. But we don't live in the normal world, do we Jac. I live in mine, and you live in yours, but they aren't the real world.

In my world, I didn't want to. I didn't want to get over you, I didn't want to find a _new_ you; I just wanted _you_, back, as you always were. Even with the stroppy and hormonal cold, ice-queen act, you could earn money for playing. Because you worked into my heart and you were like little stiches holding everything in place. For once I felt complete, my parents aren't around and my family is distant, but with you in my arms at night and Mo in my life in the day, I had everything I needed, the best friend in the world, and the best friend I found in my girlfriend, though you were so much more than that.

You filled the little cracks that needed filling. But without you my heart broke, it fell out, I lost all my ability to have fun, I drunk my nights away because I didn't, couldn't, face going back to my shoebox flat, you got that one right, that I knew I would be alone in forever, never feeling fully complete even if I wasn't on my own, because there was never a chance of you being there with me again.

But you came back from Japan and slowly we pieced the broken hearts, yes hearts, for I know you not only broke my heart but I honestly believe Jac, you broke yours too, back together and that is now history, so please don't think I want to make you feel bad over it again, because I really don't, I really don't care about it anymore, because it's in the past. I only care about how I felt never occurring again.

I guess what I have been trying to get at is that, Jac I could have everything, you could have everything, everything _we _never had. But I could so easily not have everything, when I had the chance too and that would make me more upset. The past 8 months have been the best. I have seen you grow as a person, no not literally, and I have grown to understand why I need you, and why you need me, and why we are like chalk and cheese, but also why we are like toast and jam.

And why when I am near you I am never happier, I feel contented, but then when I am away from you at night or your sleeping in my bed while I am in the spare room because you were too ill for me to take you home, I now understand why I feel a sense of anticipation or excitement because I know that the next day I will see you and I will learn something new about you, or me, or you will throw so completely new sarcastic comment at me, to make smile or I will learn a new way to make you smile, or perhaps even if I come one step closer to breaking down your walls; I always know the next one will always be a good day.

I never want to go back to feeling what I felt Jac, and I honestly don't think we have to."

* * *

Jonny had wandered around the room by this point and was now stood looking down outside at the peace garden, their place (other than the store cupboards). It gave him the confidence to ask what he was going to ask next, because he remembered how happy he felt when they had been there together that break time, on that cold, misty morning when Jac had finally, though she wouldn't admit to it, thought about making this permanent. Jonny couldn't face Jac, for he didn't have enough confidence so he spoke while he gazed up into the skies.

* * *

"I never want to miss a thing Jac. I don't want to miss our children growing up, only seeing them at weekends or Wednesday afternoons and Friday nights, I want to see them every day. And, more honestly, I want to see you every day.

There is a country house down a little lane, by itself, very secluded and quite. I was left this house by my grandmother when she moved away, for she wanted me to have somewhere to start and raise a family, whenever I choose. I have never sold or lived in this little house, it seemed wrong to live in this by myself as my grandmother said "for your little family" when she gave me the keys, so I waited until it felt right, and I thought I had a little family. Now that is that time.

So Jac what do you say? There is a house that I know, down a little lane, 15 minutes from Holby. There is a large garden and lots of trees and flowers and a little pond at the end. There are roses over the door and a thatched roof. But inside this house is modern. This house is traditional with modern changes that I have made over the past year and a half. To get this ready for my little family. And now I _want _to have that little family. I want to have that family with you and these little cherubs you hold and I want to be together always and then I can watch my children grow every day until they run away from me.

But more importantly, I know for sure this is far more important, I can see _you_ every day It is because of this I know, and can be honest in believing that every day would have a perfect beginning, perfect end, every day of my life would be good. The days are always perfect when you are in them."

Jonny turned to gaze upon what he wanted to be his ideal little family, just in time, coincidently, to witness a single tear roll down Jac's left cheek…

* * *

**See A LOT of speech, you didn't think I meant that much! Hope that was ok...**

**Until the next time when I post a lot of waffle...**

**Thanks **

**Hayley x**


	6. Maybe Maybe

**Two chapters in one day... goodness I must be feeling waffley. **

**Quite a bit happens in this chapter but yeah... hope you enjoy! **

**Sorry for errors (I feel I have to apologise every time!) Read and review! Thanks! x**

* * *

_Jonny turned to gaze upon what he wanted to be his ideal little family, just in time to see a tear roll down Jac's cheek…_

"Jac?" Jonny asked gently with concern as he slowly crept towards Jac who was looking straight at him. "Are you ok?"

"Erm… yeah… I… just… thought you were going to… Don't worry." Jac decided that she keep her inner most thoughts, her inner most hopes locked up for a while, for the decision she was about to make, no the decision she had decided upon immediately a couple of minutes ago was already about to change her life, his life, their children's life. "So…"

Jonny eagerly sat down on the bed with a look of hope in his eye "So, what you say Naylor? You, me, our children, which we really do need to name in case you hadn't noticed, living together under one roof in happy matri…"

Jac cut him off. "Yes. I get what you are saying. Mother, Father, Daughter, Son, living together- the perfect little family. Sounds like an amorphous blob of doe-eyed humanity to me. And wall paper sample and buggies in parks. And I did say I didn't want this?" Jac spoke with a serious lying undertone to her voice.

"Yeah, I know Jac but I just thought… but if you don't want… if you want to be like that..."

A humoured voice cut him off yet again. "I never had that. You really think I want my children going through what I did? You think I don't want stability for my children? You idiot!" Jac remained focused on gazing into Jonny's eyes. She was still holding her babies in her arms, but was now gently rocking them from side to side as they slept. And to her it all felt natural. The mother thing, the baby thing, the moving into a family home thing and if she was deeply honest with herself and the world, the being with Jonny thing. It was far more natural than she ever thought.

"Is that a yes?" Jonny asked like an excited 5 year old while looking like he could go bounding around the room in laughter.

"It is not a _no,_ Jonny. So are you intelligent enough to work out what that means." Jac smirked at Jonny before giggling to herself and gazing at her children.

"A _maybe_ then." Jonny smirked at this woman who was before him, at the mother of his child, who was now his house mate; 'goodness' Jonny decided this was far too complicated. But he achieved what he wanted… for now.

"Yes, a maybe." Jac was far too set in her ways to say 'yes' and jump for joy, but both her and Jonny knew that a maybe was her version of this normal response of 'yes, of course'.

"Now take one of your children from me, so I can move my arm, because they are becoming dead. And if you want me to be able to help you move the boxes into this new house, I will need my arms." Jac snapped before she passed her son over to his father.

"_Jac..._" Jonny moaned "You were going to say something when I first asked you, you said you thought I was 'going to…' something thing else. What was that?" Jonny sat with a cute little smile on his face that both irritated Jac but melted her heart also. Secretly, she hoped that her son would have this adorable little smile like Jonny; she thought that it would look unbelievably cute on a little boy.

"Oh. That." Jac's face fell as she looked down onto the little face of her silent, sleeping daughter, all bar the little sounds of breathing that could be heard in this silence as her chest rose and fell.

"Yes, that!" Jonny joked. "Jac, what's the matter, what did you think I was going to say? You look like you are either let down by that thought, or are ashamed that you even thought I would." Jonny seemed worried about Jac but he desperately wanted to know what she was thinking; more specifically if it fitted in with what he had planned for their future.

"Yeah, it's nothing, don't worry." Jac sighed heavily. "I just had a hope you would ask me something different but it's not important. I can live without it."

"_Hang_ on a minute… _No… No way._ You _can't _be thinking I was going to ask... what... I thought was too far… That's not like Jac Naylor we know… _No…_ Definitely not… you can't be… Are you?"

"What am I thinking? What was I thinking? I am a cardiothoracic surgeon not a psychologist, and the last time I checked you weren't either?! So how can you tell what I was thinking? Just come out with it. Please. Save me from the beating around the bush, because you are not very good at it. You are about as subtle as a tree in the middle of a field." Once again, the impatience came back as Jac's barriers began to form.

"And there we are. I was right. You are worried. Your barriers are building back up. Well please, stop them. Because I can't argue with you. It would be a crime to wake the little angels wouldn't it? But anyway, don't kill me, but you thought I was going to ask you to marry me?! Didn't you? Be honest with me! Because I am sure I am correct. You can't hide, I can read you like a book, and you know that about me!"

Jac was shocked, embarrassed, pleased, and worried. Her secret which she had decided to keep close to her chest had suddenly been revealed. And it also scared her how Jonny could read her so well; what other secrets had she been hiding that he already knew. Maybe that was how he knew to ask her to move in with him. He knew she wanted it. Or maybe he knew that she was desperate to be close to him again; all those things she had tried to keep guarded she hadn't been able to. And even when she had tried her last failed attempt at closing herself off from her children, in the hope he would leave, he had battled her down. Ok, maybe leaving her children to cry had been harsh, no, she knew that was harsh. She hated herself for it now. And wanting to split her kids up was beyond extreme. She knew it. And she regretted it completely. But now gazing at her daughter, she wanted to give her and her brother the perfect life, all the love and support they could possibly have.

"I'm sorry Jonny. I have been a fool today. I can't believe what I did to our poor babies, leaving them to cry, wanting the split them up, I hate myself for it; please don't say any more about it. I beg you, please. You know I said it was all because I didn't want to hurt them, well that is true but if I am honest, I guess I need to be, I didn't want you to be able to hurt me, because then I couldn't hurt them. And I know that you would never intentionally hurt me, but you being so close without being with me hurts, it hurts like mad, so I guessed if I didn't see my children then I couldn't pass my hurt onto them, stopping me from hurting them, and maybe, perhaps, I hoped that you would take them and leave, have all that you wanted but you wouldn't be able to hurt me because you would stop being near to me because you would think I am a heartless woman who doesn't deserve love and isn't someone you want to be or want your children to be near. So I hoped me seeing you would stop. And then I could move on in time and all the pain in these years of my life could stop and I just wanted my life for my babies to be perfect and I think we are getting there now. And maybe one day, one day I will be happy."

"Is that a yes then?" Jonny asked inquisitively. "You want to me marry me? _You_ Jacqueline Naylor want to be with _me_, a lowly wee nursey and not a clever heart doctor? Am I right?" Jonny face wanted to break into a beaming smile but he held himself back as he hadn't had an answer and didn't want to think that he had interpreted her correctly.

"You haven't asked me anything, idiot. How am I supposed to answer a question if I haven't been asked one?" Jac smiled a coy smile before gazing down lovingly at her daughter. Jonny moved from the bed, gently placing his son on the bed, that same bed that had this family had been through so much on, before taking his daughter from Jac's arms and laying her down carefully next to her brother. Much to Jonny's relief they both remained asleep, the one thing he had prayed would occur for what he was about to do next would be so much more special with this.

Forcefully he pulled Jac to her feet before noticing a bowl of haribo on the side, which he assumed someone had brought for when Jac needed sugar. His face lit up, "I did feel guilty about doing this now, but now my problem is solved!" He skipped to the bowl before picking out and red and yellow ring with a gleeful smile. Jac stood confused although she knew full well what was going to happen. He approached Jac sincerely; for he knew she would want this to be properly.

Taking both of her hands Jonny whispered quietly, as if he didn't want this to be in memories but it needed to be said "You sure this is what you want?"

With a quick roll of the eyes from Jac, Jonny squeezed her hands before letting the right hand fall to her side. Taking his left in both Jonny knelt to the floor looking up a Jac who was beaming. Jonny wanted a face to match hers but he wanted to do this properly. He pulled out the haribo ring and showed it to Jac, in response to which she giggled and smiled at him before scrunching up her nose. Inside her stomach was filled with butterflies and her heart was doing loops. But she felt content with this lack of control over her own emotions.

"Jacqueline Naylor. Yes, this is a time for formalities. And a little bit of cheese on the side, because you have to admit, that is us. I never imagined I would be doing this in a hospital room in maternity, today, not because I didn't want to, but because I didn't want to rush things, I wasn't sure how quickly you wanted to take all of this, or if you wanted this at all, but isn't it just amazing how quickly life twists and turns. From the first moment I saw you, you were beautiful and I felt like I could love you for forever more. Yes, it has been rocky and bumpy, and there have been dips and peaks along the way, but that has never altered my view of you or us. So I am thrilled to be able to ask you this today, with the haribo ring which may I say I think is absolutely gorgeous. I also think it sums up our relationship far better than a proper ring at this moment in time; the relationship can be stretched and squished but eventually at the end of the day it returns back to its normal shape and how it has to be, as it is now. I love you Jac, more than words can say, you are the mother of my darling children and I shall forever be in your debt for that and although you have already made me the happiest father alive to this day and from this day forward, would you do me the honour of allowing me to make you the happiest woman alive and so in turn making me the happiest, proudest husband in the entire world? I guess, in a roundabout way, I am asking you, Jacqueline Naylor, to marry me and become Jacqueline Maconie, and solve the next domestic of what the children's names shall be!?" He looked at her with those puppy dog eyes she so very much loved.

"Maybe." She smirked at him and he knew too well what this meant.

"There she goes again! My fiancé and her stubborn ways. Yes! I can call you my fiancé now, doesn't that sound better than girlfriend, far more sophisticated for someone of your domineer." He placed the haribo special on her finger before standing up and embracing her in a hug.

"Yes, I am so sophisticated standing her with a Scottish fiancé, I like that word, and a haribo ring on my finger. But do you know what Jonathon; I wouldn't have it any other way." She kissed him softly before resting her head on his shoulder, whispering quietly into his scrub top, "You told me you wanted to be in love with me, but you can only be 'in' love with someone when you love them and they love you back. Well I can tell you with great certainty you are in love with me now."

Jonny heard every word of this before smiling down at her and kissing her head. "And I feel very special and gooey inside for it." Jac looked up at Jonny as he looked down at her.

Their lips touched briefly before a crying could be heard. No, _two_ crying's could be heard. Jac and Jonny burst into a fit of giggles.

"Yes, we know you are there, just wanting to join in on Mummy and Daddy's special moment, are you cherubs? Well, let me tell you something, you _are _our special moments from now on" Jonny whispered, as if it was a little family secret. He wrapped his arm around Jac, pushing her gently forward, "Now come on you, we have names to decide upon!"

* * *

**Right, I don't know whether just to leave it here. Like it would be a nice place to leave it and I don't know if I should drag it on anymore? **

**I really need advice on this one! :/**

**Thanks**

**Hayley x**


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